Don Radish

Just say No

In Uncategorized on January 13, 2011 at 9:22 am

New research has proved “no” is the right answer to to most of life’s tricky questions.

According to a study at published in the latest issue of Vacillating Monthly saying no is the correct response on 73.4% of occasions. Professor Maybe who led the research team from Harvard University explained:

‘Most people give a great deal of thought to decisions they make in their daily lives, but our tests show they are right only 54.2 % of the time.’ He added ‘This is little better than tossing a coin.’

The research team conducted longitudinal studies which tracked the decisions of US presidents of the last 50 years, the film choices of Steve Martin and 100 other less important people.

A sophisticated algorithm (yes+no-possibly/ (I’ll let you know Tuesday+no+no)= Ok) and three super computers were needed to assimilate the data before the shocking news was discovered.

Professor Maybe believes the discovery will have important social and political implications:

‘Usually when some one is asked “do you fancy watching X Factor?” or a world leader is asked “shall we invade a middle eastern country?” they answer yes! This cannot be allowed to continue and our method is a science based solution.’

However the findings have been met with criticism in some quarters. Tacky Crap Ltd, the worlds largest manufacturer of “magic 8 balls” is considering legal action.

‘We do not accept the findings of the Harvard method at all. Our magic 8 balls have been laboratory tested using the industry standard double blind man’s bluff test and are 102.3% accurate. Should people continue to use them as key life aids? We say yes!’

However those concerned that saying “no” all the time may have a damaging effect on their social life’s need not worry, according to Doctor Julia Wallflower, an anthropologist at Oxford University:

‘Friends are really a hang-over from prehistoric times. Life was much more dangerous then and humans were dependent on groups and close relationships to survive. Nowadays friends and even family members are much more of a burden than a resource and have no evolutionary value.’

Doctor Wallflower added: ‘Although social networking sites such as Facebook would seem to contradict this they are in fact an example of individuals slowly withdrawing from face-to-face interactions.’

Food for thought in these egalitarian times.

New Year’s Resolution

In Uncategorized on January 5, 2011 at 1:19 pm

On friday night the Big Ben chimes rang out to signal that another year had passed entirely void of achievment.

And Life In The Key Of D Minor resolved yet again that the new year would be different.  This time he would make a plan and stick to it.

The most common problem with new years resolutions is the novelty soon wears off and we’re back to our old habits – notice the red-faced joggers so prevalent in January but nowhere to be seen by February or how the lunch time salads on colleagues desks morph into bacon sandwiches before Easter.

So this year Life In The Key Of D Minor has decided on a resolution which, by the time the initial motivation has gone, will have a momentum all of its own:

To develop and addiction to crystal meth!

Life In The Key Of D Minor is entirely confident that next new year he will wake up in a squat, soaked in his own urine and drowning in vomit.  Finally the warm glow of achievement beckons.

Life In The Key Of D Minor will post regular progress reports and if your lucky maybe some of those delightful before and after photos.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Coalition Cuts Christmas

In Uncategorized on December 23, 2010 at 2:35 pm

Christmas will be celebrated only once every decade from now on if a new government white paper becomes law.

The proposal outlined in a speech yesterday by the Secretary of State for Culture, Jeremy Hunt, will save businesses up to £3billion a year it was claimed. Mr Hunt said:

‘We have to do all we can to help businesses grow in the current economic climate, and closing down for a winter break and still paying staff to sit at home is something many of them can no longer afford.”

Mr Hunt explained that the government would not interfere with individuals choosing to celebrate Christmas privately but it would no longer be a bank holiday and their would be no state funded Christmas activity.

‘Many work places have a tradition of only buying presents for birthdays ending in zero and this is really no different.  Christ has now celebrated 2010 birthdays…it was always going to tail of eventually.’

Complaints from the British Association of Retailers that the measure would have a big impact on sales were dismissed by the government.

‘People will simply have more money to spend on themselves.  There is no evidence that it will cause at net loss to shops and online vendors,’ said a Treasury spokesman.

The Prime Minister, David Cameron said:  ‘I did not come into politics to cancel Christmas but we are having to clear up the mess left by the Labour government and this is the fairest way to do it.  We are all in this together.’